Dragon Feathers: Eragon

I was watching the commercial for the new movie Eragon, which I don't plan to see...I don't understand the fascination with dragon-riding. If I had a dragon, I'd just send it around to destroy my enemies and report back. I don't need to ride on its back while it's doing it. And if there are other people riding dragons against me, even worse. I might get burned...and I noticed a weird thing. The dragons in the movie have feathers on their wings! That's just so wrong. Ever since the dawn of time, dragons have had bat-like wings. Why would they have feathers? They're not birds. I figure they did that to make their dragons seem more majestic. Maybe it's a chick-thing. Next thing, they'll have unicorns with scales.

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2006: Big Things That Went Bust

TIME Magazine lists the "5 Things That Went From Buzz to Bust" in 2006. I wasn't surprised about Snakes on a Plane, but the PS3? Glad I didn't get one. I feel better knowing that the success of the Nintendo Wii over the Sony Playstation3 took everyone by surprise, including game makers who are now scrambling to make games for a system they didn't think they would need to.

Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

One of my favorite books when I was a kid was Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. The book has a simple but engaging premise - what if food rained down from the sky? Who wouldn't love that? I loved the book because of the way the author worked it out, and how life would be adapted to it. For instance, weather reports would become menus where you plan your meals based on what's predicted to come in. Restaurants would have no roofs so the food would just fall into your plate. Of course, like any good children's book, this fanciful tale turns dark and scary. It becomes a sort of careful-what-you-wish-for tale where the town gets crushed by gigantic hamburgers and floods of jelly-and-cream-cheese sandwiches. In the end, the people evacuate the town and build new homes out of stale bread. I found this book in a bookstore recently and realized how fun and creepy it really was, but also brought back a flood of memories. I especially liked the illustrations with little touches like sharks taking bites of peanut butter sandwiches.

Fun Facts:
* The town was called Chewandswallow. The book never described what country it was in, but it looked a lot like America.
* The book was written in 1978 by Judi Barrett and illustrated by Ron Barrett
* The author has written a sequel, Pickles To Pittsburgh which chronicles what's been happening in the town since it was abandoned. In the sequel, the people came back and started a company shipping free food to needy countries.
* Neither book explained why food would rain down from the sky.
* The book has been optioned for an animated movie, which I think would be awesome. A special effects extravaganza.

Links:
Not much besides Amazon.com. You can read an interview with her husband/illustrator Ron Barrett. Whatever.

Toe Jam: Pet Chews off Baby's Toes

Here's the feel-good story for the year - a mother and father pled guilty to criminal negligence after they woke up in the middle of the night to find their baby's toes had been eaten off by one of their pets. Amazingly, they still don't know and are arguing over which of their pets ate their baby's feet, but considering the two pets in question are a Pit Bull puppy and a ferret, both of which were left unattended with the baby, I don't know why it matters. How would you like to be that kid growing up? Sounds like another...

CONVERSATION OF THE FUTURE

Daughter: Hey, Mom?
Mother: Yes, Gimpy?
Daughter: You know, I never asked before, but what happened to my toes? Was I born this way?
Mother: Well, no. You see, uh, one of our pets ate your toes when you were a baby.
Daughter: Ate my toes? Was it Fluffy, our pit bull or Rocky, our ferret?
Mother: Well, we're not really sure. We didn't see it happen.
Daughter: Wow. How'd it happen?
Mother: That's actually an interesting story. It seems our pets were out, and you were in a high chair, and one of them chewed your toes off.
Daughter: Oh my goodness. And you couldn't stop them?
Mother: Well, no. We were asleep.
Daughter: Oh, in another room?
Mother: No, actually, we were asleep on a mattress right next to you.
Daughter: Oh, so it happened so quickly that you couldn't stop it.
Mother: Uh, no, the doctors say it must have taken over an hour to get all four of them off.
Daughter: Uh, and you didn't hear me screaming?
Mother: Well, honey, your father and I had a lot to drink that night and kind of passed out...
Daughter: I don't believe this. You let one of your animals eat my toes off?
Mother: Well, if it makes you feel any better, we got felony convictions for it.
Daughter: It doesn't.
Mother: Oh. Um...can I make you some pancakes?

The Holiday Season

It's at this time of year that people think of the holidays. And of course, there's one holiday that towers over them all - Demolition Day. Now is a great time to get your gingerbread house kits all decorated with sugar and candy canes and pretty cookes that you can blast to smithereens. Boom!

Jokebook: Etch-A-Sketch XP

From: Your Office
To: All Employees

Subject: The New IT System

As you all know, this company has been experiencing some financial problems in the past. One area that we've decided to cut costs is in Information Technology. Due to the rising cost of computer technology and the manpower required to handle an increasingly large network, we have decided to replace all desktop PCs with an Etch-A-Sketch. To ease the transition, we present the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I re-boot my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document?
A: Don't pick it up and shake it.

Those Mannequins Are Bootylicious

Jennifer Lopez opened a huge can of worms, notifying the White population that stick-thin models aren't always the most attractive. And people are listening. Not only are there more products, ad campaigns, and clothes pushing a curvier figure, there are even mannequins. The New York Times did a story about how there's a new trend in mannequins to make them more curvaceous.

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Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: Big Bird Attacks Handler

Xylotriptyzoqanukine: Drug Name Origins

Ever wonder how drug companies come up with such bizarre names for their drugs as Lipitor, Viagra, or Xylocaine? The FDA has a very interesting article on drug names, including how drug names are developed, what goes into a drug's name, and how the wrong name can be lethal.

Flashback Friday: Herb

Back in the 80's, there was a Burger King contest where you had to try to spot Herb in a BK restaurant and win $5,000. Herb was supposedly the one guy in America who had never tried a Whopper. I used to dream of walking into a BK and finding Herb. Of course, they didn't tell you what he looked like, so it was kind of difficult to achieve that dream. When they finally did, I got excited about finding him all over again. But of course, I never did. I always wondered whatever happened to Herb. Turns out Herb was one of the biggest blunders of advertising in U.S. history. Now I'm glad I didn't find Herb.

Trivia

• The campaign began with a series of mysterious ads and billboards that said "Who's Herb?"


• Herb was finally unveiled in a Super Bowl XX commercial in 1986.


• The reason why Herb, a man who doesn't eat Whoppers, would be in Burger King restaurants was never explained.


• The fact that Herb turned out to be a nerdy-looking guy in a loud suit was supposed to send the message that only losers don't eat Whoppers. Instead, the public took away the message that only losers eat at Burger King.


• In hip-hop or street lingo, a "Herb" is a nerd or loser. The term comes directly from these commercials.


• Instead of boosting sales, sales at Burger King actually dropped during this campaign.


• The Herb unveiling came at the same time McDonald's launched the McD.L.T.


• Advertising Age called the "Where's Herb" campaign the "most elaborate advertising flop of the decade."


• Herb was played by an actor named John Merrick. John Merrick was also the name of the Elephant Man, a hideously deformed circus freak.

Links
Surprisingly enough, Wikipedia is not the first place to go for info on Herb. I need to work on that. The best article is in E2. There's also an article in TV Acres about him. RetroCRUSH named the Herb campaign its biggest Fast Food Fiasco. Through the power of the Internet, you can even read an article from TIME Magazine circa 1986 about the unveiling. And for more retro flava, you can read a transcript of the infamous SNL sketch making fun of the Herb campaign.

eGad!: Brains for Zombies

Haven't done a random link in a long time...and I guess it's overdue. A while back I saw a fake website that claimed to be a shopping mall for evil geniuses taking over the world. You could "shop" for nuclear missiles, uniforms, henchmen, the works. Hysterical...but I can't find it. So I found Brains for Zombies instead. It's kinda funny. But eGad, a parody of eBay, is funnier.

The New World (abridged version)

FADE IN

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND COLONISTS ARRIVING IN AMERICA WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

COLIN FARRELL
I'm Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

Q'ORIANA KILCHER
I'm Pocahontas.

LOTS OF SCENES OF NATIVE AMERICANS AND COLONISTS FIGHTING WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm marrying someone else, moving to Europe, and having his baby.

LOTS OF SCENES OF EUROPE AND POCAHONTAS WANDERING AROUND WITH HER HUSBAND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

POCAHONTAS' HUSBAND
I love you.

KILCHER
I love Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS GOING BACK TO AMERICA AND WANDERING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm leaving you and never coming back.

POCAHONTAS RETURNS TO AMERICA, APPARENTLY DIES

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

FADE OUT

AUDIENCE
What the heck was that?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sadly, this wasn't much of an exaggeration.

Stolen Credit: Disney's Little Mermaid

We got the new 2-disc Platinum Edition of The Little Mermaid and I watched it again...great, of course...but I noticed something strange in the opening credits. I couldn't find anything like "inspired by Hans Christian Andersen" or "based on the novel by Hans Christian Andersen." In fact, there was no mention of him at all. I admit that the Disney story made some pretty big changes, but I don't think that gives them the right not to mention him. Or maybe I missed it. I dunno. I couldn't find any reference to this fact on the Internet, which I think is something that would have been mentioned. But it's not like they're hiding it now - the DVD has a documentary based entirely on Hans Christian Andersen and his version of the story.
On the positive side, the DVD has a virtual re-creation of "Under the Sea," a designed-but-never-built ride based on The Little Mermaid movie. It actually shows the perspective of riding in one of the cars while it goes through the ride as it would have been. It's pretty cool and a unique feature that certainly raises the bar on DVD features, which is always a good thing.

Microsoft of Baby Stuff: Winnie the Pooh

In the past few months, I've become quite familiar with baby apparel and I'll say this - Winnie the Pooh owns baby stuff. It's hard to find a baby bottle or a baby sheet or baby clothes that doesn't have Winnie the Pooh characters on it. Oh, sure, there are some Sesame Street characters or Peanuts characters or even baby Tiny Toons (where did that come from?), but Winnie the Pooh is the default. He's like Microsoft. Winnie the Pooh has a monopoly. The government should step in and break them up into smaller divisions. Maybe Tigger gets baby blankets or Piglet get baby bottles.

Jokebook: Test of Loyalty

The CIA is looking for a new agent and think they've narrowed it down to three candidates - a blond man, a dark-haired man, and a red-headed man. They decide to perform one final test of their ruthlessness.

They go to the dark-haired candidate and hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The dark-haired man sets the gun down on the table and says, "I can't do that."

The CIA immediately dismisses him and goes to the red-headed candidate, telling him the same thing. "In that room is your wife. Take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The red-headed man shakes his head and sets the gun down, saying, "I can't do that."

The CIA dismisses him and turns to the final candidate, the blonde man. They hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The blond man takes the gun and walks into the room. Silence passes for a few seconds, then the room is filled with screaming and crashing noises. When the room is silent again, the blond man comes staggering out of the room.

The CIA asks, "What happened?"

The blond man gasps, "Well, the gun was filled with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with her chair."

Lying Liars: Floyd Landis

They had Floyd Landis, the guy who is accused of cheating on the Tour-de-France, on Adam Carolla's radio show. Landis is all "I never cheated, I will defend myself" and then they asked, "would you take a lie detector test?" And he's like "Absolutely." And they're like "would you take one now?" And he laughs and asks "Do you have one right now on the radio?" And as a matter of fact, they do have a lie detector right in the next room. And in walks a lie-detector administrator into the studio. And suddenly, Floyd's like "Well, I need to talk to my lawyer." All that bravado, all that "bring it on" crap disappeared and he's hemming and hawing, going on about how his lawyer wants everything to be cleared through him, etc. And Adam's like "what's the problem? You're innocent, so this is gonna be great for you." And Floyd leaves, and even Adam describes him as fleeing the studio. What a joke that guy is. And now his excuse is to accuse the French of tampering with the test...apparently because they don't like the look of him, because there's no real reason why they would do such a thing.

No Career For You: Michael Richards versus N-Words

I really, really, really liked Michael Richards, also known as "the guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld." I mean, really liked him. I was a fan of his before he made it big on Seinfeld, knew who he was when he played Stanley Spudowski on UHF. Always thought he was a comic genius, combining physical and verbal comedy with brilliant timing. But even I can't defend him now.

On Friday, Kramer was videotaped during a stand-up routine launching into a tirade against some black hecklers with the N-word. Multiple times. And not in a hip-hop sort of way, more like a redneck sort of way. I wanted to defend him, but I just can't. Watching the video is shocking and disturbing in a way that hurts deeply. I have to agree with several other people who call this a career-ending incident. It's not like he had much of a career to begin with. So ends the genius that was Michael Richards. We'll never see Seinfeld the same way again.

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Breaking news from the New Yuk Times...

• Local Man Has No Opinion on O.J. Simpson Trial
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• Car Crash Kills Four, Secret Agent Escapes Unharmed

O.J. Simpson Is Guilty: If I Did It

I've always been a staunch defender of the innocence of O.J. Simpson. I thought there was enough doubt (the lack of a witness, the lack of a murder weapon, the obvious police bias, the lack of blood in O.J.'s house) to believe he had at least a chance at innocence. More than anything else, I felt that it wasn't our place to decide a man's guilty or innocence in the court of public opinion. And then came If I Did It. In case you haven't heard, O.J. Simpson has a new book coming out that is a "fictional" account of what might have happened if O.J. Simpson had killed Nicole and Ron Goldman. An innocent man wouldn't do this. An innocent O.J. Simpson would have written a book about what evidence he's uncovered in ten years that cleared him of the murders. And it wasn't a stupid idea that O.J. was forced into - he suggested it to his publisher! And the amount of detail in the book apparently is more than can be chalked up to imagination. Even his own publisher is openly calling it a confession. Thanks for clearing that up, O.J. Finally, the debate is over.

Flashback Friday: Out of This World

There once was a TV show about a little kid whose father was an alien. No, it wasn't Roswell. No, it wasn't Starman. No, it wasn't V. Nothing so sophisticated. We're talking about Out of This World. This show was sort of like a kid's version of I Dream of Jeannie. The main character Evie had the power to stop time. You know this was a kid's show because she didn't try to take over the world. I mean, she could freakin' stop time. And all she did was get revenge on bullies and win basketball games.

While we're on the topic, why is it that alien races always have superpowers? I mean, E.T., Starman, Roswell, all the aliens or alien-derived beings have powers. I always wondered if we're supposed to believe the aliens evolved their powers or were genetically-engineered to have those powers or what.

Trivia:
* Scott Baio was one of the directors for the series. Is there anything he can't do?
* The old song "Swinging on a Star" was the theme song for the show.
* Evie's other powers included being able to teleport by snapping her fingers and being able to tie her shoelaces perfectly.
* Evie also had the power to "gleep," which apparently meant she could make simple objects appear just by willing it. See what I mean about being too powerful?
* Evie's father was named Troy. Yeah, there's imagination for you.
* Evie's father never appeared in person on the show, but talked to her through a blue crystal cube in her bedside cabinet.
* Burt Reynolds was the voice of Evie's father
* In the series finale, Evie's mother accidentally switches places with Evie's father, leaving the mother transported to Antares while Evie's father is in her bedroom. Talk about a cliffhanger.
* Unlike most child actors, the actress who played Evie (Maureen Flannigan) is still working. She did a 22-episode stint on 7th Heaven. And she still looks hot.

Links:
IMDB is the old standard, and Wikipedia is on top of the show, of course, but doesn't have much to say on it. TV.com does some episode breakdowns that chronicle Evie's wacky adventures. BBC gives a much broader description of the show, as well as why it was created.

Jokebook: Suicidal Bet

A blonde and a brunette are watching TV and the news comes on, showing a guy on a bridge about to jump.

The brunette says, "I'll bet you ten bucks he jumps."

The blonde says, "You're on."

Well, the guy on TV jumps off the bridge, so the blonde hands over the money.

The brunette sighs and says, "I can't take your money. I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

The blonde says, "No, no. Take it. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again."

Blogger Beta Sucks

I converted my blogs to Blogger Beta, and I already regret it. Why didn't it tell me I wouldn't be able to post comments to non-Beta Blogger blogs before I did the conversion? I hate to think what other surprises lie in store.

The Wrath of Al: You're Pitiful

Weird Al's always been a pretty easy-going guy. Coolio threatened to beat him up, and Weird Al just apologized. But when Weird Al produced a much-needed satire of "You're Beautiful" called "You're Pitiful," he blew his top. The problem is that the artist James Blunt approved the satire, but his record company didn't. Weird Al did something he's never done before - he fought back, putting the track on his website Weird Al.com as a free download instead. It's a shame he didn't get approval, because it's a really funny song. Then again, we get the song for free, so in a way I'm glad Weird Al got burned. NPR did a story on the whole issue.

Note: Looks like Weird Al got burned again, because he's no longer hosting the song on his website. Then again, six or seven other people are. You can't fight the Internet, losers!

Trivia: In the video for "White and Nerdy," Weird Al can be seen defacing the Wikipedia article on the controversy with the words "You Suck."

Fun With Photos: Rachael Ray Vs The Joker

Separated at birth?