Movie of the Lost

It's official...Will Ferrell has signed on to play the father in the new Land of the Lost movie, which means it's now on the fast track. I'm totally looking forward to this movie, because I think Ferrell could do it right. They made a new version in 1991, but they took the concept too seriously. Even the original didn't take itself that seriously. Hopefully, Will Ferrell will give the show the wacky, campy feel it needs. Sort of a Brady Bunch Movie meets Jurassic Park. And this a week after our Flashback on Land of the Lost. Coincedence? Probably.

Even Little Vader Hates Star Wars

It turns out that not only did the fans hate the little kid in "Phantom Menace," so did the little kid. Jake Lloyd, the boy who was given such classic lines as "yippeee!!" has done his first interview in six years for MTV.com. Turns out he's been in seclusion all these years, trying to recover from the humiliation of that movie. And he's sixteen! Can you believe it's been that long? How time flies.

We also have an exclusive interview with the other most hated character in Star Wars, Jar Jar Binks.

Q: What drove you into hiding?
A: Oh, meesa be gettin' death threats from muy-muy fans. Meesa seen cartoon where Jar Jar get chopped up. Meesa no like it, so meesa sayin' bye-bye. Jar Jar bein' in college for few years, thinkin' on Art History major. Meesa also been doin' few independent films, plays off-Broadway, and commercials overseas.

Q: How have you coped with the criticism?
A: It'sa bein' hard on Jar Jar. So many people be hatin' Jar Jar. Meesa be seein' all dat, meesa wanna bury head in da sand. Jar Jar even get into the prescription pain medication. Dat be makin' Jar Jar all crazy up in head for long time, but Boss be doin' intervention last year. Meesa go into rehab, get cleaned up. Meesa also be goin' to therapy, makin' muy-muy progress on self-actualization. Jar Jar be knowin' it not Jar Jar people be hatin'. It be character on film. Meesa be knowin' his limits now, learn to love Jar Jar first.

Q: Did you ever take some of the criticism to heart, try to improve on your character in the second film?
A: Me be wantin' good scripts, good lines. Meesa hire writer to help out wit' Attack of the Clones. Me wanna make subplot where Jar Jar be gettin' smart, become Jedi like little Annie. But Lucas, he no listenin'. He be puttin' in more scenes of me trippin' on bantha poodoo, hittin' head, stuff like dat. So I be askin' George Lucas, "cut me outta dere." Only have few scenes in Clones, havin' no scenes in third episode. Jar Jar outta dere.

Q: What will you be appearing in next?
A: Meesa gonna do Death of a Salesman at off-Broadway playhouse in September. Meesa also be in studio, got a new album comin' out wit' best buddies Eve and 50 Cent. But meesa be really wantin' to direct.
Categories: entertainment

News Nuggets

Britney Spears confirmed that she is pregnant, thus ending the sexual fantasies of men all over the world. The unborn fetus has already signed a music contract, gotten a quickie divorce, and kissed Madonna on the mouth.

A hotel in France burned down this week, killing twenty. The French guests died when they surrendered to the smoke and flames.

Millions have flooded to Rome to visit the tomb of Pope John Paul, but one person has been barred from visiting the tomb - Sinead O'Connor. The tomb is so popular that Disney has announced plans to build a theme park around it called PopeLand.

The mother of Michael Jackson's accuser took the stand, and begged the jury not to judge her. Michael Jackson immediately tried to do the same thing, just in case it worked. The mother became so distraught that she had to be subdued with a Coke can full of Jesus Juice. But really, just because she let a suspected pedophile lick her son's head and sleep in the same bed, does that make her a bad mother? Yes.

The president signed the bankruptcy reform bill, which reduces the number of people who can file for bankruptcy. The bill also issues everyone in America a pre-approved credit card.

Two enormous bombs exploded in Baghdad today when the first showings of "Alexander" and "Gigli" aired in Iraq.

The Washington Nationals played and won the first baseball game in D.C. in decades, but the winner was cast in doubt when the opposing team demanded a recount. The president threw out the first pitch, which was helped across the plate by several players in black suits and sunglasses.

Mad Max: Beyond Blunderdome

A group of fans of the Mad Max movies were on their way to a marathon of the series, when they came up with a great idea. Why not re-create the classic battle at the end of Mad Max 2: Road Warrior, where the bad guys surrounded and tried to take down a moving oil tanker? So they got themselves some cars, a tanker truck, and some plastic machine guns and had themselves a time.

Great idea...except they forgot to warn the people who lived alongside the highway in San Antonio where the re-enactment took place. The police were flooded with calls that a "militia" was attacking an oil tanker. Eleven people were arrested - nine for obstruction of a highway, and two for possession of knives. Worst of all, the movie marathon was cancelled.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm thinking it, too; that was a really stupid thing to do, and man, that sounds awesome. I wish I had a video of that. One of the guys arrested said he couldn't understand why people couldn't figure out it was a prank. I guess the guy with the leather strap over his eyes and mouth, peacock feathers on his head, and pants with the butts cut out weren't enough clues for them.

We don't have the video (yet), but you can check out some homemade Mad Max costumes...I think they might have looked something like this.

Flashback: Land of the Lost

This week, we journey back to the Land of the Lost, the classic 70's TV show. I think this show succeeded at tapping into the love of dinosaurs we all had before science got in the way. Okay, so the T-Rex and the caveman never really co-existed. All right, so there's no way to go back in time. But what if the fantasy world of dinosaurs and cavemen really existed, and anyone could get there if they took the wrong step? That's what this show was. Plus, you had a little Swiss Family Robinson thrown in. There's a fantastic article in Wikipedia on this show.

Unlike a Virgin

How far we've come...five years after Britney was wearing schoolgirl outfits and preaching abstinence before marriage, Britney's lived with a guy, gotten tattoos, started using profanity, smoking, and drinking, written a song about masturbating, gotten married twice, divorced once, and now she's pregnant.

That last one only confirms my belief about gossip, which is to consider it true until proven false. Britney's been saying for months that she's not pregnant, even while tabloids were writing stories and showing photos proving she was. Oh no, she just gained weight. She's buying maternity clothes. Oh no, she's buying them for her cousin. She's wearing a maternity dress. Oh no, she was just wearing it for a costume party. She's admitted to the hospital for a possible miscarriage. Yeah, okay, she's pregnant.

The most interesting wrinkle in this story is that her marriage to Loser McDo-Nothing, also known as Kevin Federline, is rumored to be on the rocks. They're "allegedly" sleeping in separate rooms and calling on Kabbalah priests to try to save their marriage. That leaves the possibility that Britney might end up divorced twice and a single mother before she's twenty-five. Now all she needs to do is die in a flaming car wreck caused by an overdose of drugs, and the train wreck that was the life of Britney Spears will be complete. I'll bet Behind the Music is prepping the cameras as we speak.

C is for Celery

Brace yourself...the Cookie Monster will be eating vegetables. That's right, Sesame Street will be introducing a storyline where the Cookie Monster is taught that cookies are a "sometimes" food, and that it would be better to eat fruits and vegetables. I'm not usually one to cry "politically-incorrect" or Thought Police, but even this smacks of going a little too far. Leave me my Muppets, that's all I ask.

Come On Baby, Work Them Daisies...

When they first announced that Britney Spears was aiming for the role of Daisy Duke in the new Dukes of Hazzard movie, I was horrified. Britney just doesn't have the sexy innocence of the original Daisy. I heaved a sigh of relief when I found out Jessica Simpson got the role. Finally, new pics of Jessica Simpson in her Daisy Dukes have arrived and I have inspected them for accuracy.

You know what? Jessica's cute, but she has almost no butt. I know the original Daisy Duke wasn't exactly Jennifer Lopez, but the character whose name is synonymous with short-shorts needs to have something to fill them out. On the other hand, Britney has a reasonably-sized trunk. They could at least have padded Jessica up a little.

While we're on the subject, since when is Daisy Duke blonde? They couldn't get Jessica to dye her hair brown?

Gay Who

Only days after the enormously successful launch of the brand-new Doctor Who series on the BBC, it's all come crashing down again. The celebrated actor Christopher Eccleston who plays the new Doctor has refused to sign up for a second season, leaving the BBC with a mountain of toys and other merchandising that will be obsolete by the time it hits the shelves.

What's even more interesting than the departure is the reason. It seems Eccleston finds his character too gay. I haven't personally seen the show, but this photo doesn't exactly screen macho, does it? And the fact that the new Who writer used to write the gay series Queer as Folk isn't exactly a plus, either. There's a rumor that Orlando Bloom will be the next Doctor Who. All I'll say about that is I don't think he'll mind the gay-oriented approach (cough cough).

O.J. 2.0

And so it's begun again. Robert Blake, famed actor and murder suspect, was acquittedof all charges. The uproar was immediate - rightous indignation, questioning of thelegal system, vows to never forgive him. Very familiar, isn't it? Almost like thetrial of a former football player a few years back. Blake and O.J. both need money -they should go on tour. Call it the Injustice Tour, where they go around the country,stand on stage, and let people throw vegetables and abuse at them for two hours.

To be honest, I had the same reaction when I heard Blake was acquitted. "Howcould this happen? He's guilty, isn't he? Jay Leno said so." So unlike most people, I actually went to CourtTV and did some reading up on the trial. I'm not saying Blake is innocent, but just like O.J., the case wasn't as open-and-shut as everyone led me to believe. There wasn't a shred of direct evidence tying him to the murder. No fingerprints, no murder weapon, no witnesses, nothing. So I suggest all those who are quick to judge Blake do the research.

Bottom line - it's not society's job to judge and execute punishment. That's what courts are for. The court found Blake innocent. Move on, people. Like there's a chance of that happening.

J-Low: The Fall of Jennifer Lopez

There is a German phrase, schadenfreude, which loosely translated means "shameful joy" or "pleasure at the misfortune of others." That might best describe how I felt finding out that Jennifer Lopez' new album Rebirth is tanking. It's on the verge of dropping off the Billboard top ten only three weeks after release. Even Kelly Clarkson and Now That's What I Call Music 18 are out-selling her. Lopez is reportedly devastated by the album's failure and fears it (combined with her disastrous movie career) signals the end of her popularity.

Why was I so happy to hear this? Maybe it's because she unleashed Gigli on the world. Maybe it's because I got so sick of her and Ben Affleck doing the wedding tease. Maybe it's because I think her butt is way overrated (for example, compare Jennifer Lopez and FHM model Vida Guerra). Maybe it's because the gossip columns all claim she's a selfish diva. Or maybe I just enjoy watching people other than me fail. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing her disappear forever, leaving only big-butt references in her wake. Now all we need to do is get rid of Britney Spears, Ashlee Simpson, and Paris Hilton, and the world is a better place.

On another topic...when did I get so catty? I need to go drink some beer and watch football.

The End of Vin Diesel's Career

I've never seen any career as badly-handled as Vin Diesel's. No exaggeration...I think The Pacifier is the first nail in the coffin of what could have been a brilliant career. Vin Diesel's breakout performance in Pitch Black set the stage for a new antihero - tough as nails with a face carved in stone, muscles Schwarzenegger wishes he still had, and a voice like gravel, Diesel looked like a freight train that couldn't be stopped. Then came XXX. And Chronicles of Riddick. And the last straw, The Pacifier. Diesel should have ignored the people telling him this was Kindergarten Cop. It's Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, a role that humiliates him.

Message to Vin Diesel: You are not cute, you are not endearing, you are not funny. You are scary. You are a complete and total hardcase, a guy who looks like he could chew up nails and spit out bullets. Doing a kid's movie worked for Arnold because he had already built up a reputation, and could allow the public to see another side of him. The world doesn't know who you are, and Pacifier just confuses them even more.

If I were Diesel's agent, I would throw out all the scripts he has except for the one that casts Diesel as the villain. I would have him play nothing but villains for the next two or three years, and maybe never play a hero again. That's where he will shine. Either that or stop working out, lose the muscles, re-invent yourself, and start playing sensitive heroes. Otherwise, Vin Diesel will end up in the same boat as Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal, doing straight-to-video B-grade action movies. What a waste.

Million Dollar Bully

I noticed Million Dollar Baby when it first came out, but didn't see it. I like Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood, but I don't like female boxing. All I've ever seen of professional female boxing is a ten-second clip in a commercial for a fight, and it was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen. Two women with blood all over their faces pounding each other...call me a wimp, call me squeamish, call me whatever you want, but that's not something I want to see. I don't even like watching male boxing. But when MDB won the Academy Award for Best Picture, I decided to go see it. But I stumbled across this article at the Washington Monthly with the title "Battered Women: Female boxing is brutal and hopeless." I know nothing about pro women's boxing, so I can't judge the quality or accuracy of it at all, but it does confirm something I suspect - female boxing is glorified catfighting, and Million Dollar Baby just puts a pretty bow on it. So I think I'll skip it. Either that or just rent Girlfight. Michelle Rodriguez is pretty hot.

The Girl-On-Girl Life

In all the chaos surrounding the hacking of Paris Hilton's Sidekick, one fundamental issue has been surprisingly underplayed - what about that hot picture of Paris kissing that other woman topless? In the interests of journalism and sheer dirty-mindedness, that is number one on my list.

Turns out the other woman is a VJ for MTV named Eglantina Zingg. In an interview, Paris insisted it was just goofing around during a photo shoot. I dunno...that kiss looks like more than goofing around to me. And Hustler published photos of Paris kissing another woman last year. I always thought Paris and Nicole were a little too close. I need to call Rick Salomon and see if he's got a videotape of that.
Categories: entertainment, Paris Hilton

Pariswatch 2005: Blackberry Juice

My continuing love/hate relationship with Paris Hilton continues with this story that truly takes the cake. Last week, someone hacked into Paris' cellphone/Blackberry and uploaded the contents onto the Internet. Not only did it have some compromising images Paris had taken (no surprise there) and embarassingly lame emails, but hundreds of celebrities had their personal phone numbers made public. Almost all of them were changed the day after, but not before some celebrities had to fight off hundreds of prank calls. Now we can't really blame Paris for this one...I mean, it's not her fault she got hacked...but I'm going to, anyway. Dumb blonde.

And in case you haven't seen it, here is the still-functioning copy (for now) of the hacker website and a whole website dedicated to the fiasco.

What's the Hand Signal For Pervert?

Sweet lovable Koko, the gorilla whose handlers claim can communicate with hand gestures. Koko, so loveable that they put her in the movie Congo. Guess what? She's a pervert.

In a lawsuit filed on Tuesday, former female employees of the Gorilla Foundation claim Koko's trainer demanded that they bare their breasts to Koko because she has a "nipple fetish." The lawsuit also claims they were forced to work unpaid overtime and kept gorilla urine in the refrigerator next to their lunches.

This story is guaranteed to make you feel better about your job. Imagine having a job that required you to keep your grub next to a jar of gorilla urine and show your boobs to a monkey. Makes that eight hours in a cubicle with a chatty neighbor and a broken chair sound like heaven.

Making Your Family Look Normal

How would you like to find out that your sister was really your mother and your mother was really your grandmother? And how would you like to find that out after they both died? Welcome the true-life nightmare and truly twisted tale of the young Jack Nicholson. That's right, the actor.

Scientologists Are Stupid

If you want a good laugh, check out what Scientologists have to pay thousands of dollars and spend years to learn at Wikipedia.com - the true origin of all those bad feelings we all have. Here's a gigantic hint - it involves a space alien named Xenu.

Hockey Strikes Out

As you've probably already heard, the National Hockey League has cancelled the rest of the season for 2004-2005. And as you probably already know, few people really care. Sure, some people care; the die-hard hockey fans. But how many of them are living in America, eh?

What most people really care about is the fact that a sports strike has come to this. Even during the dreaded baseball strike in 1994, they never cancelled the season. I personally never followed or liked hockey, so I don't care if they do save the season. I just think it's stupid that a bunch of millionares (players or owners) are bickering over a couple million dollars here and there. When Wal-Mart workers strike, it's because they want more money to feed their families. When hockey players strike, it's because they won't take less than forty-two million dollars. How many of us will ever see even half that money in our lives, let alone in a year?

There's serious talk of the NHL shutting down for good as a result of the hostility generated among fans because of the shut-down. I personally hope it does. Then let all the baseball, football, and baseketball players see that it's not the players or owners that run their sports - it's the fans. Without fans, you guys are nothing. Besides, I never liked hockey.

Randomlynx: I Work With Fools

That pretty much says it all doesn't it? I Work With Fools.com is a website where you can submit your nightmare stories about your co-workers. Some of them are kind of petty, but others are funny.

Fighting Whites: Update

In the spirit of MauriceM's anniversary, I decided to check up on the Fighting Whites basketball team. Frankly, I thought it would turn out to be a hoax. Imagine my surprise when I found the Official Fighting Whites Website. And yes, you can now buy T-shirts. But AZ Republic had a good column on why what should have been a thought-provoking political statement turned into a joke.

Phone Scams

I personally hate phone pranks on the radio. They're usually mean-spirited or gross or funny only to the person doing them, the victim's response is rarely funny in itself. But I like the phone scams they do on 104.7, because they let the victim know it was a scam in the end, and they usually aren't mean-spirited or hurt the victim.

Fortunately for those who can't listen to them at 7 o'clock in the morning, a bunch of them are online at Kid and Ruben's website. My current favorite is one where they pretend to be holding a guy's wallet hostage. The altered voice was a nice touch.
Categories: random-lynx

Big Bird

The Arizona Cardinals have finally changed their logo. It was generally agreed that the logo needed to be changed...it was hard to look at the old logo and feel like you were in for a rough time. But how do you make a cardinal look mean? Well, the Cardinals gave it a shot when they unveiled their new logo on Friday. The general response has been mixed at best. Most people just say it's an improvement, but not by much. Phoenix resident Todd McFarlane even weighed in, saying if the Bluejays could make their logo look tough, we should too. He designed a logo that I've heard is better, but haven't seen it. Want to, though. The Cardinals also say they're going to change their uniforms, which everyone is skeptical about. Still, one guy said it best when he said he looked forward to a more significant change - better players inside the uniforms.

Ebert's Dream Come True

Pauly Shore is Dead...the fondest wish of movie critics and BioDome movie-goers has been brought to life in the movie of the same title. It is, as you would expect, about the death of Pauly Shore. The surprise is who it's from...Pauly Shore. He wrote, directed, starred, and financed the part-fantasy, part-autobiography in which he plays a slightly more pathetic version of himself at the tail end of his career. In a dream, Sam Kinison visits him and advises him to kill himself to be appreciated. Instead, Shore fakes his death and watches himself become recognized at last. Of course, the plan goes wrong.

The second most surprising thing about this movie is the fact that it's been generally well-received by movie critics at Rottentomatoes.com. I think most people are surprised to discover Shore has any talent at all, but it could be a good movie. I may watch it and see. At its worst, we get to see a world without Pauly Shore, and that's always a good thing. Now all we need is Paris Hilton is Dead.

Hitchhiker's Guide: The Gang's All Here

At last, we have a picture of the gang at the upcoming Hitchhiker's Guide movie. It looks pretty good, although I don't know why they gave Marvin such a huge, ping-pong ball head. Also, Zaphod doesn't have two heads, but maybe that's put in at post-production. Mos Def looks great, though.