Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Price of Fame

What's up with celebrities complaining about being famous? Celebrities complaining about getting too much attention is like billionares complaing that their wallets are too fat. The average person would consider it a milestone in their lives if someone put their picture on the back page of a college newspaper. I say "Enjoy it while it lasts." Because trust me, celebrities, you should be glad someone cares about you at all. If you hate the attention so much, stop doing movies or releasing albums or whatever it is. You'll be surprised how quickly it'll all disappear, and you'll be ignored just like the rest of us.
Categories: opinion

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Demolition Day Fireworks

When I first suggested the idea of Demolition Day, it was just a little funny thing I thought somebody else might pick up. And when I came up with the four things to do on Demolition Day, I had the idea of destroying a gingerbread house with a bomb. But I didn't think anyone would actually do it. Well, guess what? Somebody did it! Gearboy, that's what I call a party. I hereby include blowing up a gingerbread house as an official part of Demolition Day.

Warning: Monkey Migraine assumes no responsibilty for death or injury resulting from said celebration. If you're dumb enough to do it, you should've known better.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Not Paris Hilton's Diary Update

Have you visited Not Paris Hilton's Secret Diary lately? If not, you're missing out on the behind-the-scenes look at her performance in the movie House of Wax. It's more entertaining than the movie itself. Guaranteed.

News Nuggets


Violent protests swept the Muslim world over cartoons published in a Danish newspaper. The Muslim community is outraged by the fact that Garfield just isn't funny anymore.

Oil prices inched back above sixty dollars a barrel. And American SUV owners inched closer to suicide.

A new study found that women hold fewer state government posts than men. But women still hold more positions in the kitchen and making babies.

During a hearing, US Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff admitted there were lapses in the response to Hurricane Katrina, but only if you're willing to call the death and starvation of hundreds of American citizens a "lapse."


The 2006 Olympic Winter Games this week had the lowest ratings in twenty years, even losing to American Idol. Some have suggested boosting the popularity of the games by getting the figure skaters to sing while skating.

Rufus the Bull Terrier was awarded Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club. The dog celebrated his win by ripping out the judges' throats.

Wayne Gretsky insisted that he had no knowledge of an illegal gambling ring run by his assistant coach. This, despite the fact that his assistant coach changed his name to Vinnie "the Finger" Soprano.


Scientists are studying powerful lightning storms on Saturn. Meanwhile, a San Francisco team of scientists is studying thunder on Uranus.

Internet search engines Google and Yahoo faced congressional hearings on their decision to filter out political websites and identify political dissidents in China. After asking how the companies could choose money over ethics, the Congressmen had to pause for the company representatives to stop laughing.


Willie Nelson released the first mainstream gay cowboy song. It's called "When Tom Cruise Became a Cowboy."

U2 swept the Grammy Awards. During his acceptance speech, Bono choked to death on his own self-righteousness.

And Paul McCartney committed suicide after losing a Grammy award to a glorified karaoke singer, Kelly Clarkson.

See you next Tuesday.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Jokebook: Lottery Prayer

This joke is dedicated to the eight stiffs who won the biggest jackpot in US history...

One night, this blonde guy gets down on his knees by his bed and says "Oh Lord, we really need some money. Please let me win the lottery." And he goes to bed.

The next morning, the blonde guy wakes up and checks the news. He didn't win. So that night, he gets down on his knees again and says, "Dear Lord, we really need that money. My kids need new shoes, my wife has nothing to cook for us to eat, I can't find a job. Please let me win the lottery." And he goes to bed.

The next morning, the blonde guy again checks the news and discovers he didn't win again. So that night, he gets down on his knees and prays, "Oh, Lord, I don't mean to complain, but I don't understand. You know we need this money, and I've prayed several times. I've been a good person. Why won't you help me win the lottery?"

Suddenly a light shines down on him and a deep voice says, "God helps those who help themselves."

The blonde guy looks up and says, "I don't understand."

And the voice says, "Buy a lottery ticket."

Related Posts:
Jokebook: What a Coincedence
Jokebook: Silent Treatment
Jokebook: Falling Down Drunk
Jokebook: Playing With Fire
Categories: comedy

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Post-Demolition Day

Well, that was fun. How'd you celebrate the first ever Demolition Day? I personally drank a beer, ate some pizza, watched a movie...and that was it. But you gotta start somewhere. I'm sure the first New Year's Eve was kinda boring. Sounds like a...

BOB: Well, it's New Years Eve.
JOE: New Years' what?
BOB: New Years' Eve. It's a celebration I made up where we celebrate the new year.
JOE: Sounds good. We should drop a ball and count down until midnight.
BOB: Where we gonna get a ball?
JOE: I dunno. And when's midnight? Who's got a watch?
BOB: I have thirty seconds to...okay, we need to coordinate.
JOE: Oh, dang, we missed it. Well, next year.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Don't See "Date Movie"

The person who would find Date Movie funny has never seen Airplane. In order to appreciate Date Movie, you would have to completely forget the concept of a movie parody. There's certainly a lot to make fun of with romantic comedies like the sappy music, the loveable but hapless hero, etc. but Date Movie doesn't do any of that. Instead, it just makes a lot of references to other romantic comedies. They don't really make fun of them, except to put in some weak or gross twist on the original scene. This movie doesn't even make sense unless you saw the movies they were making fun of. There were parts where I thought to myself "Why is this happening? Oh, it must be a reference to a movie I haven't seen before."

My goal with this is to keep anyone else from ever seeing this movie. Date Movie needs to flop so badly that they not only never make a sequel, but it makes Hollywood re-evaluate making movie parodies to begin with. Because Date Movie shows that the studios have forgotten what movie parodies are.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Demolition Day

In the aftermath of Valentine's Day, I propose a new holiday. One for men only. I hereby christen February 22 Demolition Day, a day that celebrates destruction. What do you do on Demolition Day?

1) When you greet someone, instead of saying "Hello," yell "Boom!" To get the full effect, lunge at them and throw up your hands.

2) Throw a party with the traditional Demolition Day meal of beer and pizza while you watch action movies where stuff blows up. Any Rambo or Terminator movie will do.

3) Build a gingerbread house and decorate it all fancy and beautiful. Then at midnight, you and all your friends smash it to pieces with sticks or bare hands. If you really want to get fancy, use a bomb.

4) This would only happen if Demolition Day took off...but wouldn't it be great if there was a building somewhere that needs to be demolished, and they broadcast the demolition live on Demolition Day? And we all counted down like on New Years' Eve and the detonation occured at midnight? And what if there were four or five buildings being demolished at the same time all around the world at midnight, and they showed them all simultaneously, picture-in-picture? Awesome.

So join me in celebrating Demolition Day on February 22. And tell your friends. Boom!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

I Hate The Charmin Bear Commercials

I hate Charmin's cartoon bear commercials. I know what the pitch was: "Does a bear crap in the woods? Yes, and he uses Charmin!" These ads are about as subtle as tampon commercials. We all know what toilet paper is for. I don't need to see bears wiping themselves on my TV. They tried to make them cute, but I find them gross. And they don't wash their hands. Believe it or not, the Charmin bears have names. Here are my suggestions: Stinky, Drippy, Potty, Crusty, and Sticky. I dunno...maybe this is a chick thing.

Bonus: The subtlety continued with Charmin's Super Bowl campaign, featuring Charmin seat cushions ("soft and strong for your end zone!").
Categories: entertainment

Friday, February 17, 2006

Maurice Clarett: Worst Mugger Ever

An ex-NFL player was indicted for robbery. There's a long story about Maurice Clarett and why his turning to armed robbery is so funny (read his profile on Wikipedia for the short version), but the robbery in itself is funny enough. He's one of the all-time worst criminals. If you read the report, you'll see that not only did he forget to tell the people he was robbing that he was robbing them, but the robbery was foiled because he was interrupted by a friend of his who recognized him and called out his name. And all he got was a cell phone.

Giving the Superfinger

I've heard comedian Dane Cook and wasn't that impressed. Yeah, he's funny, but not enormously funny. I felt he ripped off Brian Regan's comedic style too much. But then I read an article about how his real popularity comes from two things. One is his routine about an enhanced version of the Finger called the Superfinger (or Su-Fi for short) which has become his symbol. The other is his accessability with a topnotch website and MySpace account. The website has free streaming clips from his CDs, and I have to admit, some of them are hysterical. Like his bit on Kool-Aid. That's a classic. Check out Dane Cook.com.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Grammys vs American Idol

Hey, would you believe that American Idol beat the Grammy Awards last night? What's that say about the state of music these days? Or professionals versus amateurs? Or American tastes? Beats me.
Categories: entertainment

Toilet Technology

The Japanese are even way ahead of us in toilet technology. They have toilets that have adjustable sprays with modular speed and patterns that can also include soap, blow dry the area, massage, are heated or cooled to preferable temperatures, and raise and lower on command, and many other features that make the Space Shuttle look like a Tinker Toy. Meanwhile, in the US, we're still amazed and confused by toilets that flush automatically.
Categories: science

Fire Alarmed

The fire alarm went off at my wife's office and when every one was outside, the supervisors started telling them to go back to work. That's funny. Like they're gonna be sitting there at their desks with flames everywhere, and her supervisor yelling "Nobody leaves until you get third-degree burns! First or second-degree, you stay at your desks! And if you go to the hospital, that time is unpaid! And we'll be putting phones next to your hospital beds! That counts as mandatory overtime!"
Categories: misc

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Jokebook: What a Coincedence

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders a beer. He raises his glass and says, "This is for me home in Ireland."

Another guy in the bar yells out, "Hey, I'm from Ireland as well. Let's have another round for Ireland and the great city of Dublin."

The second guy yells out, "Hey, I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another round for Dublin and me dear old mother, Gladys."

The first guy yells out, "Hey, me mother's name is Gladys, too!"

As the two guys are crying and hugging each other, someone walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "What's going on?"

The bartender says, "Nothing. The O'Grady Twins are drunk again."
Categories: comedy

Friday, February 10, 2006

The New Yuk Times

I've decided to spin off some of my usual features into their own blogs. First up is the satirical news stories like "E! Network Plans All Brad and Angelina Channel" and "US Economic Data Released, No One Understands It." From now on, those will be appearing in the New Yuk Times. I never felt having fictional news next to real news fit, anyway. I wanted to call the blog the Fictional Times, but that was taken. Dang it. All the good names are taken.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Glow-in-the-Dark Pigs

Scientists have created glow-in-the-dark pigs. That's right. Put them under a black light in the dark, and the pigs glow bright green. To achieve this, scientists crossed the pigs with genes from a fluorescent jellyfish. Amazingly enough, these are not the first glow-in-the-dark pigs. In fact, there's sort of a race to create glow-in-the-dark pigs. These scientists can take pride in the fact that these pigs are the first to glow inside and out, not just inside. There is some benefit to this research. The glowing proteins will allow them to trace them when implanted in other species. But let's face it. It's really about making glow-in-the-dark pigs. And that's kinda cool. If I see glow-in-the-dark bacon in the store, I'll at least look at it.
Categories: science

Sunday, February 05, 2006

High-Def Teri Hatcher

Since reading that Teri Hatcher looks horrible in high-def, I had to see for myself. I did find a picture of her that shows how haggard she has indeed become. Check out her forehead - yeesh. But at the same time, I stumbled across interviews that made me feel kinda sorry for her. Turns out her career after Lois and Clark took such a nosedive that before Desperate Housewives, she couldn't even get into auditions anymore and was on the verge of losing her house. Along came DH, and she's a star again. Besides that, she seems like a good mother who drives her daughter to school every morning at 6 AM, even if she has to do it in pajamas. And her love life is in serious decline. So I'm gonna stop picking on her.
Update: I fixed the link to the Mercury News article. It was reprinted here.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhog Day and Deja Vu

Before the movie Groundhog Day came out, the holiday was only a footnote at the end of a long February newscast. Now Groundhog Day has gone from a holiday about a little-known animal to a tribute to deja vu. I've heard several people talk about deja vu, and say "It was like Groundhog Day." I remember a few years back when one radio DJ kept playing the same song over and over again on Groundhog Day, but wouldn't acknowledge it - driving the listeners crazy calling in and going "Why are you playing that over and over again?" And he'd be like "No, I'm not. You wanna hear it?" That was funny. All thanks to Groundhog Day. Now all we need are movies for Secretary's Day and Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Categories: misc

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Paris Hilton is an Idiot: Part One

This is gonna be a long post, but I think it's worth it. As I did years ago with Britney Spears, I feel it's my duty to bring to you proof positive that Paris Hilton is an idiot. Like Spears, the proof comes in an interview, but this one is with her own lawyers. Paris is involved in a lawsuit (for more info, check out Court TV) and was deposed for her statement. The great thing about that is that it's pretty much blows away Paris' claim that she only pretends to be a dumb blonde. She wouldn't pretend to be this stupid under oath. Trust me, some of this stuff will definitely show up in (not) Paris Hilton's Secret Diary. I'll be posting some of the best bits of the 200-page document which you can read at TMZ in the sidebar as PDF files.

[pg. 25]
Here, Paris Hilton is asked what she said to the plaintiff, Zeta Graff, one night in a nightclub...
Q: And what did you specifically say as far as you can recall?
A: "I just said to her... she is old and should stay at home with her child instead of being at night clubs with young people. And just that -- I just - what else did I say? Just that she is not cute at all.
Q: Not what?
A: Good looking. I'm being nice.

When confronted with comments she made in her e-mails that seemed to contradict her statements, Paris said: "Whatever I write in an e-mail, it doesn't mean anything. It is just words I write."

[page 31]
Here, they were asking if Paris read stories about the plaintiff Zeta Graff in the news...
Q: Were they UK publications?
PARIS: No. Like US Weekly or In Touch. And there is stuff in London.
MR. STEIN [Paris' lawyer]: London is a UK publication.
PARIS: Right. UK. Whatever.

[page 34]
When asked where she met Zeta Graff on another occasion at an Elton John party...
Q: This Elton John party, was that a pre or post Oscar party?
Q: I'm sorry. Pre or post?
PARIS: After.
MR. STEIN: Post.

To be continued...

Categories: entertainment